For our most recent assignment, In a Row 2: Alien Invasion, we were to dress up as alien invaders of Earth—very confused alien invaders I might add, with our primary tactic of invasion being a lingerie photo-shoot and the crashing of a Halloween party. I’m not sure I get it either, but that’s the story, and I’m sticking to it. In the words of the assignment:
”To dress as the buxom alien for the lingerie shoot you will be painted from head to toe with a colored cream make-up (you get to pick the color, which cannot be white), then in your largest bra (stuffed) and panties.”
I managed this, attempting to spread my green alien slime as little as possible into my surroundings (I was less successful that I personally would have liked), and got down to my Lingerie Shoot of Conquest™. At this point, I believe Earth was already well on its way to being conquered, so I called it a night and headed for the party.
Once at the party, however, I was beset by Earth’s xenophobic, redneck defenders who were far less subdued that I would have assumed. Not only were they incredibly aggressive, but also incredibly horny, and before long they fell back upon the tried and true redneck offense of “Screw it to death!” A rather depraved dentist was in attendance and I was quickly fitted with hardware facilitating their extremely rape-y plan, a steel device that spread my jaws wide so that my mouth would be fair game for all. It wasn’t long, however, before their greed and impatience got the better of them, and the device was removed so that they could take their turns two and three at a time. It was a horrific, painful experience that I hoped never to repeat—fortunately or unfortunately, I never would.
Due to the meddling intervention of M. Night Shyamalan, who deviously learned of our secret weakness to water and spread it to the masses in his film Signs (which wasn’t scary at all, also spoiler alert), my redneck assailants were prepared to end my conquest early. It wouldn’t be enough for them to just pour the water over me and end my suffering quickly, oh no, they’re a brutal lot and decided to fill me with my one great weakness until I popped like a big, green balloon. As my insides slowly filled with liquid fire, I could only ponder my folly of attempting to invade a planet whose surface area is, in fact, covered 70% by my mortal, lethal weakness. Curse you M. Night Shyamalan!